How to Avoid Domestic Violence by Daniel Whyte III, Essence National Bestselling Author of Letters to Young Black Men and #1 Amazon.com Bestselling Author of Letters to Young Black Women (African-American Category)

November 20, 2008
Dear Daughters & YBW:
I trust that you are doing well today. I hope that you are growing in the Lord and living a victorious life. Today, I want to write to you about domestic violence and how you can avoid it. 

Men are definitely at fault in most cases of domestic violence. As we
learned in elementary school, boys should not hit girls–a man should
never hit a woman under any circumstances. But contrary to popular
belief, women are oftentimes at fault by provoking the man. Some women
provoke a negative response from their husbands inadvertently, because
they do not know how to deal with a man probably because they never had
a father in the home to teach them or they never had a mother, older
sister or older woman to teach them how to handle a man. However, some
women intentionally provoke their husbands by pushing buttons that they
know will cause a negative reaction.

Dear sister, never think
that domestic violence is a normal way of life, and it should not occur
in any relationship, especially in a Christian family relationship.
Here are some things that you can do, as a young woman, to make sure
that you do not end up in a relationship like this. I am going to deal
with this issue from two standpoints: (1) Do not marry a man who is prone to violence in the first place, and (2) If
God blesses you with a good man, here are some things you should do,
and should not do, so as not to provoke him to negative behaviour
. So, please listen carefully and take heed to the following:


  1. Do
    not marry a man who does not have a decent, loving relationship with
    his own mother. It has been said that the way a man treats and responds
    to his mother, is the way he will treat and respond to his wife. On the
    other hand, do not marry a man who is too close to his mother, because
    that can be another problem. He may become abusive because he’s a
    mama’s boy and he will try to defend his mother in many instances.
  2. Do
    not marry a man who is a dawg. As I said before a dawg is heartless and
    oftentimes he does not even have the capacity to treat you the way that
    you should be treated. No matter what you do for a dawggish man it
    won’t be enough, and he will not care anything about you. He will use
    you for sex and for his own gratification and then leave you.
  3. Do
    not marry a man who lets you have your way all of the time. If a man
    lets you have your way all of the time while you are dating, then once
    you get into that marriage, the man will try to be nice about the
    things that he really does not like, but on the inside the anger and
    frustration builds. Then, he gets to a point where he explodes, and
    violence breaks out. Please understand that minor disagreements and
    differences of opinion are normal between a man and a woman. Don’t be
    surprised if you have disagreements and differences. That is healthy
    because it gives him and you a way to vent and share things that you
    don’t like.
  4. Do not marry a man who does not have a life
    before you. In other words, if a man’s life starts the day he meets you
    or the day he marries you, then you are already on the fast track to
    trouble, because he is not living for something bigger than the two of
    you, and therefore, he does not have a cause to live for to take up
    some of his time besides you. You may think you want to be the center
    of a man’s attention, but you really don’t want that. Deep down, you
    really want a man who has God at the center of his attention and who is
    going somewhere.
  5. Do not marry a man with a violent
    criminal background. It is true that change is possible for many people
    after they have gotten into trouble. But, you might want to reconsider
    marrying a man who has a record of violent criminal activity. Marrying
    a man of excitement is one thing, but marrying a convicted ax murderer
    is another.
  6. Do not marry a man who hates everybody in your
    family, and who does not want you to have any contact with your family
    members. If you marry a man who is like this, he is setting you up so
    that you won’t have anyone to go to when he does something violent to
    you. Make sure that your family is okay with him and he is okay with
    your family before you marry him.  
  7. Do not marry a man who
    is aggressive with you before marriage. If he is violent toward you
    before you get married, he will definitely be that way once you are
    married and more so.

If you want to avoid this thing
called domestic violence, please take heed to the aforementioned points
and not marry that kind of man in the first place. The above statements
only represent some of the signs that he will be that way. There are
other signs. Before you get married, please contact the National
Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit www.ndvh.org for
more warning signs.


let me remind you that the young black men of today are not your
grandfather or even your father. The young black men of today are
simply not going to put up with any disrespect from their woman. It is
true that a man should never hit a woman under any circumstances,
period. However, some women can bring this type of harmful activity
upon themselves by not applying the Word of God, wisdom, and common
sense to the marital relationship. Below are some common sense things
that you can do to avoid having anything close to domestic violence
happening in your home, assuming that you married a God-fearing, decent
man in the first place:

  1.  Do not lie to your husband
    about anything, past, present, or future. There is no sense in lying to
    the person that you are married to, or to anyone else for that matter,
    but especially to your own husband. Lying will destroy the foundation
    of your marriage faster than anything. So, be honest about everything.
  2. Dear
    sister, if you have a problem with wandering eyes and you just can’t
    control yourself when a handsome man gets within eye-shot, then you
    might need to get some spiritual healing in that area before you get
    married. One thing you do not want to do in front of your husband or
    husband to be is look at other men. That is disrespectful to him and
    the Bible tells us that “jealousy is the rage of a man”. And please
    don’t do this passive-aggressive nonsense of being vindictive and
    trying to get back at your husband by making him jealous because you
    had a disagreement or something. Many women have gone to a premature
    grave for doing silly things like that. You shouldn’t do this at all,
    but if you just have to look at another man, have enough sense to do it
    when your husband is not around. I know this may sound petty to you,
    but the name of the game is don’t do anything to disrespect your
  3. May I encourage you not to disrespect your
    husband in front of your family or in front of your girlfriends, and
    definitely don’t disrespect him in front of his buddies. Depending on
    his makeup, he might be able to take a little bit of your mouthing off
    and showing out at home with just you and the children there, but he is
    not going to take your embarrassing him in front of other people. And
    for common sense sake, don’t go around telling your family and friends
    all of your business that goes on in your house because this is another
    point that may get his ire up and may cause him to go off on you.
  4. This
    may sound like a no-brainer to you, but do not commit adultery in any
    way, shape, form or fashion. If you are ever tempted to commit
    adultery, run–don’t walk–away from it. This is a sure cause for
    domestic violence. Society has it backwards, but when you get married,
    you are to be married until “death do you part.” This means that no one
    or nothing should come between the two of you. Again, let me repeat,
    you may be married to the strong, silent type, but “jealousy is still
    the rage of a man”.
  5. There are other ways that women show
    disrespect to their husbands that seem small to them, but are very
    irritating to men. Here are the big five: (1) talking back to him when
    he is trying to tell you something; (2) talking back while he is trying
    to tell you something (we all know women can think and talk faster than
    men); (3) rolling the eyes; (4) smirking; (5) cursing and calling your
    husband names. You don’t have to respond to everything that he does or
    says. Be a woman who respects and loves her husband despite his faults
    or failures, and be Christ-like in your response. The Bible, in fact,
    tells you in 1 Peter 3:4: “But let it be the hidden man of the heart,
    in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet
    spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.” This is not about
    being a doormat. This is about being smart.
  6. Please
    understand that the way God has wired you as a woman is that  your
    satisfaction comes from satisfying your husband and your family. God
    did not give him to you just for him to please you. You are to please
    him as well. Make sure you do your part. The older women will tell you
    that it really doesn’t take much to please a man. If you don’t know how
    to please a man, you better ask somebody. But as a man, I can assure
    you that it doesn’t take much. If you have been married to your husband
    for just a little while, God will give you the ability and the
    instincts to know what your husband wants and needs. Don’t let the
    devil tempt you into thinking that you don’t know what your husband
    wants and needs. Do not fight these instincts, and do not act as though
    you don’t know what your husband wants and needs. You know! Don’t sit
    in your house and not meet your husband’s needs, and think that he is
    going to be all you need for him to be. Honey, this is a two-way
    street. Yes, God expects that man to be “all that” to you, but God also
    expects you to be “all that” to him.
  7. Understand that men
    are very serious about their food. Food is not just a necessity to a
    man, it is an event. It is something that he looks forward to. So,
    don’t make an issue out of his food. Don’t burn his food. Make sure his
    food is prepared on time, whether you do the cooking or not. Make sure
    it is done in a sanitary fashion, meaning, for example, that you wash
    your hands before you touch his food. Most men are very funny about how
    people prepare their food. Dear sister, you can probably eat a little
    something and keep on moving, but a man cherishes a good meal and takes
    it seriously. You can avoid a lot of trouble in your marriage by making
    sure this area is taken care of.  
  8. If you have children,
    take care of your children. Do your part in raising, teaching, loving,
    and caring for them as their mother. There are some things that your
    husband will do with the children that you will not and cannot do. But
    he will appreciate it if you fulfill your part as their mother. Now let
    me emphasize something here, nothing will get a father and/or husband
    more upset than if he sees his children being neglected and/or
    mistreated by their own mother. Not being a loving, caring, and doting
    mother over his children will get you in a lot of trouble real fast.
  9. If
    you are a Christian young lady, God has commanded you to submit to your
    husband and God has also commanded you to obey your husband. Ephesians
    5:22 states: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto
    the Lord.” Titus 2:5 states: “To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home,
    good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not
    blasphemed.” Now, if you want to be obedient to God, go ahead and have
    this kind of attitude and spirit and do this, and you can avoid a whole
    lot of pain and heartache in your marriage and in your family. I told
    my wife before we got married that we were going to do this thing
    called marriage “God’s way or no way,” and what I meant by that is: God
    is holding me accountable, and I am holding her accountable to doing it
    His way. And when we do it God’s way, we have peace and tranquility in
    our homes. When we cease to do it God’s way, we bring problems and
    trouble in our homes, and sad to say, even domestic violence.
  10. Finally, dear sister, take care of business in the bedroom cheerfully and willingly, and “by any means necessary.” Enough said!

and YBW, if you claim to be a Christian, act like a Christian, and go
ahead and stop trying to do marriage your way, and do it God’s way and
save yourself a whole lot of heartache and trouble. I hope that you
will take the above suggestions in the loving spirit in which they were

Daughters and YBW, domestic violence is a choice.
Many people choose to have drama like this in their marriages, because
of simply wanting to do things their way and not God’s way. No, a man
should never hit a woman, but a woman should never provoke a situation
that would cause a man to hit her or to abuse her in the first place.
Contrary to society, this is a two way street. But you can avoid
domestic violence and the pain that comes with it, if you just do the
things listed above, in your marriage. I assure you that your marriage
and family will be a happy one if you do these things.

As a
final note, dear sister, if you are doing God’s will and you are doing
your part, but you are still in a relationship that is violent, then I
strongly encourage you to run to safety as fast as you can–to a
battered women’s shelter or some other organization like that, where
the batterer can’t get to you. Again, here is the number to call the
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.

May God Bless You and Keep You,



ltybwcover.jpgExcerpted from Letters to Young Black Women, by Daniel Whyte III.

For More information Visit www.LetterstoYoungBlackWomen.org

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